


Apart Of Her: Before the Leap

by btvsp2082



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, No Sex, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 08:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2263497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btvsp2082/pseuds/btvsp2082
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>S5. Begins during "Forever," finishes during "Grave" in S6. After their mother's death, all Buffy and Dawn have are each other. What happens next, and why, isn't something either of them could've expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Another story I wrote a while ago. When I learned that Buffy/Dawn was an actual pairing (I've since gotten a lot less naive about how wide-ranging fanfiction can be), I also saw that much of it was...quickly mature in nature, and not concerned with trying to come up with the reason why two sisters would suddenly have non-sisterly feelings for each other. So that was the challenge I set for myself, and why I wrote this in the first place.
> 
> It's heavy on canon scenes, so dialogue is reproduced verbatim. The story shifts between Dawn's first person point of view (but switches to Buffy in the epilogue), and third person. 
> 
> I own nothing. If you don't mind this pairing, I hope you enjoy. :)

I swear I didn't know. I _didn't_. All I wanted was my mom back. Why can't I?

She shouldn't've died in the first place, and Buffy just...

She got funeral things ready and whatever, but it was like she does it every day. You don't bury your mom every day, right? Oh. Maybe she does in her head...

I thought Buffy didn't care. About Mom dying, about me...I was so wrong. Wrong and dumb and a jerk. The biggest ever. She's crying because I didn't know. I made my sister cry.

I mean, she isn’t I guess, but we're...I'm part of her. My blood is hers—or Buffy’s is mine. Or something. How much closer can we get? I know I love her like she's my sister.

But ‘cause I came from her...uch, that sounds gross...I-I dunno, it’s different than if we were just, y’know, normal. I saw a TV show once about how twins have this weird connection like, all the time, even when they're separated at birth and have no idea they have a twin till they meet each other when they're really old. I think Buffy and me have that. When we're not fighting over stuff.

I can't fight with her now. She was just trying to be strong, and brave. For me. She doesn't want Mom gone any more than I do. I've never seen her like this—she's...broke. She wasn’t even like this during that whole time with Angel nobody tells me about.

She thinks she has to always be tough, and she doesn't. Crying just shows she's a person. Except, I cry...and I'm not a person.

"And I'm trying. Dawn, I am. I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew."

"Nobody's asking you to be Mom," I tell her.

"Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better? Who's gonna take care of us?"

"Buffy..." I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

"I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me."

Now I'm crying. Buffy thinks it's her fault. It's not, but I—

"Oh god, Dawnie..."

I'm usually jealous of her. You would be too. She's beautiful, she can kick total monster butt, and she makes everyone fall in love with her without even knowing. Spike loves her so much that if she asked him, he'd probably have his fangs taken out, and he doesn't even have a soul. How’s she do that?

Right now, my sister's just a person who's not always so tough. I think that makes her _more_ awesome.

"I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared."

Me too. At least we’ll be scared together.

"Buffy..." Say more than her name! Geez, way to help her, Dawn. 

Someone's knocking? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I forgot. The spell. It's not gonna be Mom, it's not gonna be Mom...

"Mommy?"

But Buffy's smiling. She's turning around, ‘cause she wants it to be. So do I, but it isn't. It's gonna be something else, and-and what the heck was I doing?

"Buffy." I have to...I have to stop this.

"Mom."

She's running for the door. The photo. I used it for the spell. I have to tear it up; then it'll be over. We'll be alone; Mom can’t ever come back. We'll have each other and the gang though, so it might not be that bad. It can’t be.

"Goodbye," I whisper to the photo. Wow, Mom was pretty.

I rip it in half, put it on the table, and walk into the foyer as Buffy turns toward me. No one's outside. She looks so sad.

"Dawn."

She starts to sob, and then we both are. I go hug her, and it feels like...like I'm protecting her for once. I'm glad. It's nothing like what she's done for me, but she has to know that I love her...especially now.

"It's okay." We're dropping to the floor, but I'm gonna keep holding on. "It's okay. I love you, and w-we're gonna be okay." Gotta make sure she knows.

It’s only a few minutes, but it feels like longer. I used to hate hugging Buffy, being near her even. That kinda changed when Mom got sick. Mostly ‘cause she won't let me do anything by myself, except maybe floss, but...I don't mind sometimes. I always wanted her to pay more attention to me.

It doesn’t stop, does it? Tomorrow, the next day, every day, something else is always gonna keep changing. That’s the really scary part.

Buffy pulls away from me, and she's gonna apologize. For what? I take my hand and wipe the tear-trails off her cheeks, and then lean in to give her a kiss. Her lips are soft. No wonder that's all Angel and Riley did.

There's no tongue or anything—eww, li-like I would—but before this, ours were definitely normally quicker. Buffy didn't notice. Did she?

We buried Mom. My guidance counselor said that grief makes people, um—never mind. Doesn’t matter. It wasn't a big deal, and Buffy isn't even saying anything.

Yeah. No big deal.

 

______

 

I'm going nuts. That's not supposed to happen till I'm like, thirty-five, but since I won't have a summer, maybe I’m fast-forwarding through stuff.

Hi! Crazy fake teen losing her mind! And not just because a tacky, god reject needs me to open up some sorta lock. You have no idea how much I want that to be why.

My room. I came up here to...um...oh. To get plates. Buffy and Giles're washing the dishes. There aren't any in here, but I don't wanna go back downstairs yet. She might ask if anything's wrong, and...that'd be badder than Voldemort. ‘Cause there is. I'm sick.

Know what's worse? Thinking about it doesn't make me wanna throw up. I'm seriously disturbed.

I know I'm "the girl whose mom died" nobody at school talks to now, and I don't blame them. Tomorrow means it's been a week. I kissed Buffy a week ago.

Like, _kissed her_ kissed her. My sister. MY SISTER.

Nope. See? I said it was no big deal, and it wasn't. Not because it was nothing, but because it...was like I shoulda done it a long time ago. It felt like the best thing that’s ever happened to anybody. And it could be—most of my History textbook is pretty boring. No way is kissing Buffy boring.

Whenever we’re...something keeps telling me to.

I don’t know what’s goin’ on. She doesn't need her kid sister having a crush on her...she hasn't been okay. Me neither. I need to be straight-jacketed.

But-but it's not really. A crush. I had one on Xander, on Spike, and on that guy in the mall that hangs by the penny fountain all the time. I know crushes.

What am I gonna do? Hide under the bed forever without food and water? I gotta go back, and just...stay in control. Easy. 

Deep breath, Dawn. You can do this. Hey, look, there's a cup on the floor. On the...? Whew. Empty. I grab it, leave my room, and start walking downstairs.

They're in the living room. Yep. Talking about slayer stuff. Whenever she's with Giles, that's all they talk about.

"There is something, in the Watchers Diaries...a quest," I hear him say to her.

"A quest? Like finding a grail or something?" she asks.

Finding a...? Oh, yeah. That movie where that evil, rich guy was working with the Nazis and his skin melted off ‘cause he drank out of the wrong cup. I look at the one I'm holding and shake my head—I was six. Big mistake.

"Not a grail...maybe, answers?" He pauses. I think it's a British thing. You know, for effect? "We'll take a day, perhaps two."

"I'm not leaving Dawn. Not with Glory looking for her."

I hafta smile as I go in. When she says things like that, it makes it harder.

"Sure you can," I tell them, sitting next to Buffy on the couch. She's so much prettier than I am. "What's the deal?"

"Some slayers before Buffy found it helpful in regaining their focus. In learning more about their role. There's a sacred place in the desert, it's-it's not far," Giles continues.

"But I _can't_ go," she insists. "I'm not leaving you, Dawn."

"If you have to go learn...I mean, if it'll help you out, I think you should do it. I can 'hang with the gang.' I'll be okay."

Time apart is totally what we need. I wanna kiss her. That isn’t good. I’ll get over this, she'll come home, and it'll all be fine. Why is her hand on my hair? So _not_ helping.

"I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?" She's serious.

"Yeah. I love you too." I hope my voice didn't crack.

"I love you. _Really_ love you."

What did she mean by that? Act nervous. Wait. I am.

"Gettin' weird." I give her a strange smile.

"Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love."

I'm hugging her, but seriously, what did she mean by that? Huh? Does she know?

"I'll show myself out," Giles says in the middle of our hug. "I have the necessary...supplies, all you need to do is get some rest."

"Thank Giles for dinner, Dawn," Buffy tells me.

Uh...

"Thanks, Giles. It was—" Come on, come on...I get nudged. "Tasty."

"You're welcome. Good night, girls." He smiles, and then he's out the door.

She undoes her ponytail, I rest my head on her shoulder...and she brushes some of my hair behind my ear. Uh, why’s it feel like my brain just ran away? Can it come back? Please? If it was here, I wouldn't be sitting like this.

She's watching me. We smile at each other...and now she looks confused. Uh oh. I knew this was gonna happen. How come faces have to make expressions? Sheesh.

I sit up. "Buffy..."

"Yeah?" I just stare at her, and drag my fingers through her hair. I want mine wavy-curly too. Great. She knows how out of it I'm being. "Dawn?"

Just like that, like it doesn't matter, my mouth’s saying hi to her mouth. I have zero control. Every reason I had to spaz is gone all the sudden. I don't know if I'm a good kisser; I could suck. But she...she's...she's kissing me back? Buffy feels it? Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou! She's bringing her hand to my cheek...

And she's stopping. Her eyes bug out.

"Go brush your teeth." It sounds like an order.

"Are we—?" My breath smells?

"Just...go to bed."

I told you I was going nuts, but, been there a while.


	2. Two

Buffy stood in the hallway outside Willow and Tara's dorm room after visiting her final professor. She was now a college dropout. Next semester, after Glory, she'd go back—barring a coma, debilitating injury, or death. All more likely things.

Two days had passed since the desert. She learned that death was her gift, that she was full of love; the former was the more depressing. Coming home to her sex-bot twin hadn't helped, but Spike did the right thing, so she let him slide. It wasn't like she was much better than he was.  

The answers she went searching for left her with more questions. She didn't feel full of love, she felt hollowed. Her life wasn't in her hands anymore. It went forward without her, putting up roadblocks and taking unexpected turns whenever it wanted.

That's why she was up against a god, that's why her mother was dead, and that's why she had a sister who added another wrinkle to their relationship...a problem wrinkle.

Needed smoothing out, but Buffy was too thrown. The kiss, Dawn, had trumped even the results of her cryptic quest, and a certain vampire's obsessive affections. Was he...?

No. Stupid. Dawn just didn't know how to cope with—

"Don't lay all this on her," Buffy chastised herself. She knew what she did.

Knocking lightly, after a minute, Tara opened the door, smile uncertain and surprised. "Buffy?"

"Hey, Tara." Her own smile was strained, and not by choice.

"Oh, uh, h-hi," came the sheepish greeting. "Are you looking for Willow? Because she's tutoring—"

"Good. I hafta talk to you. It's better if...can I come in?"

"Sure," Tara blushed, stepping aside to allow Buffy entry. 

Buffy noticed Tarot cards laid out on the bed. "Is my timing bad?"

Tara walked over to the cards, and began gathering them up. "I was just practicing. So, why do you wanna talk?"

Buffy answered with, "I need to tell somebody, because I'm driving myself crazy. And anyone else would look at me like I have two heads—heads that deserve to be shot. Even Willow."

She sat on the bed's edge, while Tara took the opposite side, shuffling the reformed deck. "You think sleeping with Spike is the lowest I could sink? Nope—this is lower. Lowest."

Tara kept drawing cards, deciphering their meanings as she added new ones, and wondered what to say. She chose to play it safe. "We should've known that you'd never—"

"Trust me, don't apologize. But you've gone through a similar, you know, experience, so I thought maybe you'd...give me some pointers? Or some sanity? I'd settle for helpful hints."

There was desperation in Buffy’s request.

"Yeah, of course." Tara's tone was sympathetic, but relieved. She expected worse. "I'm not an expert, but...is this about Dawn?"

She picked out another card, and set it down on the mattress.

"Are they...?" Buffy pointed to the spread.

"Huh?" Tara caught on. "Oh no. I just guessed," she smiled. "This is for me."

"You read yourself?"

"Just for practice." She anticipated the follow up question. "I don't need these for you. You have a really strong connection to the spiritual planes, thousands of them. Which means you’d, be easy to read."

"The other slayers, right?" Buffy asked bitterly, to which Tara nodded. "Is trading ‘em in an option?" They'd been _excellent_ in the guiding department lately. "What do you see?"

It'd save her the trouble of speaking words she didn't want to.

Tara stopped concentrating on the cards, and focused on Buffy. There was no trick to looking at someone's aura. Having a talent for magick made it less work, but it was like tuning into a radio frequency, and then simply listening.

The last time she saw Buffy's, it was fragmented. Faith had stolen her body, and parts ended up where they didn't belong. This time...this time Tara let out a shocked gasp. Suddenly, she knew. She also knew something Buffy didn't.

"Go ahead. Freak on me," permitted Buffy, getting up and pacing.

"Why?"

"Because you should! There should be cops, then a judge, then me being convicted, and then locking away the..." She trailed off, biting her lip. "Damn it."

"Do you think it was wrong?" Tara asked softly, ignoring all that.

"No, that's the problem! She's my sister! You're not supposed to do _that_ with your sister, and be okay with it."

"You don't sound..."

"What am I to her now? Her sister or her mother? Or am I that third thing?" Buffy exhaustedly ran a hand through her hair. "We can’t afford a trailer," she smirked, still bitterly, "and this'll only confuse her more."

Tara gently tried, "She has a mother already."

"Had," Buffy corrected, frowning.

"Just because your mom's body died doesn't mean...” Tara started over. “Life just...changes." Beat. "Dawn isn't only your sister, either."

"Yeah, she’s ‘The Key.’ Still doesn't make it okay. Dawn's human _now_ , and she's a part of me," Buffy insisted.

"And you're a part of her. Do you know what that means?"

"Blood...she's got my blood." Getting no response, Buffy ceased pacing and stared. "What?"

Tara wasn't meant to fill in the gaps, so she talked around them. "Don’t worry about trying to be her sister, or her mother, or anything really—just be ‘Buffy.’ It-it’s what Dawn needs right now."

"I’ve gotta be something, Tara. Something with boundaries. Legal ones. I’ve gotta be the adult here," Buffy reminded herself of that. "Would you...with your brother?"

"Um, well, I'm gay."

"You know what I mean." Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "You're my friend—who’s supposed to _not_ sound semi-encouraging."

"I...no, I wouldn't," admitted Tara.

Hazel eyes had a triumphant gleam, but no smile came this time.

"You and Dawn are different,” Tara continued. “If it felt bad, I'd tell you. Because I, a-am your friend."

Buffy sighed. "Since when does she like girls anyway?"

Tara had no reason to look guilty, but did. "If she comes over here, we make sure we're pretty, you know, hands off."

"I don't blame you guys," Buffy assured her. "Just wish I knew what I was doing. One time, an explanation that makes sense would be nice." 

"Dawn loves you, and you love her. A little more than...usual, which is, um, kinda the point," Tara attempted to boil things down.

"It isn’t that simple. There'd be consequences, questions I don’t know how to answer...and let’s say I avoid that pesky, life-interrupting thing called 'jail.' How long would whatever this is last? Because Dawn’ll probably be in full on ‘date-mode’ next year."

Buffy planned on harming any boy that came to the door.

"And there were fourteen of those before this with no—"

"They never happened." Tara shut up that counterargument. "You're right, it's not simple, but it's important. More important than anything else right now."

Buffy collapsed back onto the bed. "Fine, recap. I feel closer to her than I ever have. I love her. She's my sister, but sorta more than, ‘cause she was created from me. And can’t forget the fake memories."

"They were put there for a reason. The bond you have? It's..."

No. Tara couldn't overstep her role here.

Reaching, she put her hand overtop Buffy's in a gesture of comfort. "Talk to her; she does need you. You might be able to figure it out together."

"I dunno if I can look her in the eye," said Buffy, clearly distraught. "All suddenly, out of nowhere, there was this... _feeling_ , and kissing her made me happier than I've..." She sighed again, painfully. "I haven't been happy, really happy, in a long time."

Happiness was the ideal road, but Buffy had become too rational for her own good. Enjoying overly-smooching her sister? Not rational. She would just have to avoid any roads at all.

Tara knew she would just from Buffy’s face.  Frowning, Tara could only hope that would change. For Dawn's sake, at least. Their connection was rare. Vital.

Conversation at a lull, she studied her cards again. After several mental double checks, she knew what she saw wasn't a mistake, and her frown didn't leave.

 

______

 

"Okay, so, I-I think the next step is to make a chart. A schedule," Buffy’s saying, and I gotta glare. "I'll write down all the things you're supposed to do, and when you have to do them, and then I'll leave a box next to it, which you can mark with an X when you've accomplished the task."

Overcompensate much? We're in the dining room. I'm sitting at the table doing homework, and Buffy's standing on the other side folding towels. I'm like, under surveillance now. I know I skipped school a couple times, but she's being such a biotch. And she quit college. What a, uh, hypocrite. Yeah. That’s the right word.

Right?

She's acting this way because of what...what we did. She spazzed, and she's trying to make things be normal again by ordering me around. The mom/sister line is blurry. Told you she’s overcompensating.

My principal just gave her a reason to be like this and get away with it; but it won’t work for long. Willow even defended me, and they never fight. If we talked about it...but she won't.

The very idea is ludicrous! That's Giles-speak.

You have to make her cry to get her to, and I don't wanna see her cry, so I guess we'll just be angry at each other till one of us is dead.

I didn't wanna disappoint her, but if there's one, pointless thing in my life, it's school.

"What? You want gold stars?" She rolls her eyes at me. Stars? Who said anything about stars? "Okay. You can have gold stars."

"I don't want gold stars," I say, pissed off. "I don't want any of this."

I put my pencil down and cross my arms over my chest. How's she like that?

"I'm just trying to give you a normal life," she says back, and stops folding.

"Well, good luck." I hope that was sarcastic. I look at my textbook, and keep doing the dumb math. She's staring at me, isn't she? "What?" I stare at her, too. Ha. I get to roll _my_ eyes. "What am I doing wrong now?"

"This is for real, Dawn."

"No, it's not. I'm not real, so why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if a key gets an education anyway?"

I mean it. I slam the book shut to prove it, and cross my arms again.

"It's a chart. Not a graph. And you are real."

"Yeah? Those monks put grades K through Eight in my head. Can't we just wait and see if they drop nine in there, too?"

Use the "Key" card. That'll show...she slams her hand on the table. Wincing hurts my face.

"Damn it, Dawn. This is serious." She raised her voice a little.

All right, it backfired, but I'm not done.

"Why? Why should I care about any of this?" I do actually wanna know.

"Because they'll take you away!"

That was real close to a yell...what did she say?

"Take me away? What do you mean?"

Her voice is softer. "They'll take you away from me. That's what your principal told me when you weren't in the room. If I can't make you go to school, then I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian." Oh...oh.

She's folding again.

"Where would I go?" Who would take me?

"I don't know. Dad, maybe...or foster care...I-I didn't really want to ask."

Dad? No, not him. And how come I’m always the jerk? She was just...no, forget "just," d-damn it. This has nothing to do with Mom, this is me and her. She can't cut me out anymore. If she told me before, we wouldn't be fighting. Or arguing. Or whatever we're doing.

"You could've told me that," I point out.

"I just did."

Better late than never, huh, Buffy? Sorry, but ya know what? I'm gonna break the rules, and it's your fault.

"You liked it...didn't you?"

Wait...I didn't say that other stuff out loud? Awwww! Well, since I know what's going on, I’ll actually go to class tomorrow. Leaving her isn't something I wanna do. But we’re talking about the rest. We might not get a chance later, and her crying is a risk I’ve gotta take. It's not just happening to her.

She's done folding, and she picks up the towels, eyes on me. She knows what I mean. "I don't want—"

"I don't care. Sit down, Buffy."

Did that really come out of my mouth? We both can't believe it. She's putting the towels back down though, and pulling out a chair. She's...oh my god, she...cool. We're staring at each other across the table.

Maybe we should see if we can hear a pin. Like, dropping. Mom always did most of the talking at dinner. We listened. Which is probably why we stink at this.

"It's not the easiest thing in the world to have a conversation about, is it, Dawn?" she asks me. "You don't even know where to start."

"That doesn't mean we shouldn't try," I shoot back. "What's your big solution? Pretend it never happened and hope it goes away?"

This isn't about winning the "Who can sound more right?" contest. This is too huge for that.

"The Slayer wants to hide?"

It takes her a second. "Things are already complicated. For you, for me...I just don't want to add to the pile."

"It's already there. It’s _been_ already there. So we can help the pile get lighter, or we can keep not dealing with this." She frowns, but I’m not stopping. "Ooh, we can schedule it on the chart, and maybe when the time comes I'll know exactly what to say." I narrow my eyes.

"What is it with you and the chart? It'll be for chores, and that's it."

"Talking to you _is_ a chore!" I scream. That helped a lot.

She looks ready to get up. "Sorry, I can go. Look at the bright side, at least it's one less thing you have to do."

This isn't going good. "See? You're making it sound like I should be grateful that my own sister, ‘Buffy the Awesome Vampire Stabber,’ is talking to me. Like you’re some legend ‘cause Dracula wanted to bite you, and I’m just some kid you’re forced to live with.

“Well I’m not. I’m the Key, I’m way older than you, and why do you even wanna save me from Glory? So you don't hafta have guilt if she wins?"

Um...that came from...I dunno where. It's like one of those things you don't know you think until you say it. You know?

I can't figure Buffy out. One minute she tells me she loves me, the next minute she turns into some army colonel. How am I supposed to feel? Why's she protecting me?

She's pissed, and she's hurt, I can tell. "That's not fair, Dawn. You know I love you."

"I thought I did." Am I crying?

Buffy's supposed to, not me. I wipe my tears on my sleeve.

"Love and I haven't been meshing well. It isn’t..." She trails off, thinking. "I went to the desert to figure out why I can't just show it like other people. Regular people. I don't mean to go all 'Jeckyll and Hyde' on you, but that plus trying to be a grownup...it's so hard."

I sniffle. Another thing she didn't tell me. "Did it help you? The quest?"

"Really didn't. I'm so confused when it comes to love. Even the friend kind. I was your age when I met Xander and Willow, and I feel so far away from them now. Five years doesn't seem like forever, but it is."

I just listen. I did want her to talk to me.

"You I feel the closest to. Too close. ‘Almost crossed the border into making out territory’ close. A few more seconds and we could've been illegal aliens, instead of just plain illegal."

Guess that means I wasn't bad. And that she doesn't think I'm ugly or anything.

"That's how screwed up love and I are, so give me a break, okay? I'm pretty freaked out." I smile, and she doesn’t get why. "What?"

"You don't think I was?"

"Was? As in past tense?"

"I could die in a few weeks, Janice can't come over to finish our project for Art, and I have a History test tomorrow. There's bigger things than kissing being a major pain." It's true.

"Don't say that."

"Which part?"

She's glaring, then sighing. "There's something wrong with me."

"Then I’m wrong, too. I started it, Buffy. It was both of us. Anyway, I'm used to being weird. I _am_ powerful, energy girl, don't forget. And all the toes on my right foot are the same size."

"They are not!"

She's laughing. Kinda hysterically. Buffy's laughing. The last time she laughed this hard was when Xander told her Harmony came here with a gang.

Before she found out I invited her in.

...heard about it after.

"Is that why you made Mom buy you pool shoes for the shower? Have you even looked at your feet?"

"I...try not to." Embarrassed.

And there she goes again. I made Buffy cry happy instead of sad. Go me. It's nice, hearing her, but...I’m not kidding. I have no big, or-or pinky toe. I don’t.

"So the kiss...you liked it?" Getting back to my whole original question.

She nods, and grabs a towel to wipe her eyes.

I can't see her face. "Better than Angel? Better than Riley?"

"I-I don't know." That's her answer?

"Liar."

She so kissed them enough to know.

"It was...nice," she whispers, lowering the towel, but still holding it. "What do you want me to say, Dawn? I can't describe it."

"But did it feel...?" She blushes. “Yes!”

"No! It shouldn't have."

“Doesn’t matter. ‘Cause I know you know, and you can’t take it back.”

"It does matter. Just because something feels right, better than right, doesn't mean you should do it. Sleeping with Angel felt that way at the time, and..." She covers her face again with the towel. "Shoot me."

"What're you afraid of?"

She sighs. "That if we see where this goes, it'll be places we aren’t ready for."

"Like s...sex?" I stammer as my eyes widen. I haven't thought about having sex with anybody. Much.

"Kissing generally leads to...there, yeah."

"No, getting naked leads to sex. I'm surprised you don't know."

"Dawn!" she exclaims.

"What? I learned it in Health class," I smirk.

"If that's what they're teaching, maybe you really should skip." She pauses. "I'm scared we’ll eventually wish we _could_ take it back. Things’ll change, our lives’ll change. Probably fast, and permanently.

“If people find out...those people’ll say words. Angry words. And we’re back to you being taken away. Illegal, remember?" 

O...kay. "You think too much."

"Been hearing that lately. Only we have to. We hafta think about these things." Was that her whining?

"I know..." Agree with her and she'll relax. "But how about you kick Glory's ass, first?"

"I may not be able to," she admits. "And, language."

We could all die. I’m gonna. Argh. That's my point!

"Then don't you think we oughta be...happy, while we can? Just a tiny bit?" I ask. "Everyone's getting hurt because of me, even Spike, you left college today...and you were becoming a Willow-clone. Now you can’t. ‘Cause of ‘Dawn the Plague.’ I hate it."

"Dawnie—" Buffy's getting up, the towel still in her hand.

I know what's coming. The "not your fault" speech, but I wanna finish.

"Riley left—he was a dork, but it made you sad—then Mom left us..." I’m crying. Again. "And I'm tired of these. When we kiss, when we’re just close, I forget that I’m a plague or a key, and it's the one great thing that’s...”

I sniff.  “No duh it’s weird. But you're who said weird love was better than nothing, not me."

"Yep. I did." At least she can give me that.

"Who cares where it'll go, or about other people? Can't we just—?"

She's by my chair now. "C’mere."

I stand and use all my strength to give her the best bear hug I can, shutting my eyes tight.

She wraps her arms around my back. "I love you. No matter what, I promise."

"Me too."

I let her go, and she dries my face gently with, yep, the towel. It's not gonna dry dishes ever again.

"I'm glad I have a sister. I'm glad _you're_ my sister," she says, quiet.  

She's still...not the comfortablest. This is Buffy—she doesn't rush. Anymore. But she talked. We talked, and I'm not the only weirdo, so we'll...when she's ready. Together. I kiss her on the cheek and grab her hand as I sit back in the chair.

"Wanna help me with my homework?"

 

______

 

Comedies. Comedies were good.

It's the night after our mega-talk. We're on the couch in the middle of a movie-fest, trying to laugh and not cry. For a few hours, anyways.

"You wanna go see Tara in the morning?" Buffy asks me.

I nod. Glory got her. Sucked her brain, and Willow went to get payback. She coulda been killed, but I know why she did it. She loves her so much. Like Spike and me told Buffy, he would've attacked Glory (he didn't have to say for who, everybody knows), and she would've if I got hurt.

Tara's empty because Glory thought she was the Key. It isn’t gonna stop. Tomorrow I'll help Willow with anything, but tonight, we'll laugh at _Wayne's World_ and _Austin Powers_ , eat ice-cream,and be normal. We need this.

"What's 'Ribbed for her pleasure' mean?" I ask. Garth found a box of condoms in a drawer in the TV guy's bedroom. Buffy pales and I giggle. "I'm kidding!"

"Watching this was a bad idea." When did she turn fifty?

"Uh, it’s PG-13. You realize I’m ahead of the system, right? I know what condoms are."

"Remember, they're for protection...just in case you—" I smack her with a pillow. We're supposed to be having fun. "Hey!"

"You're being old; it was a totally necessary drastic measure."

"Take that back!" she’s demanding.

"Make me," I dare her.

It's bad news when her eyes go glint-y. "You are so dead."

She puts the carton she had in her lap on the table, and I take off running. All over the house. We're laughing the whole time; it slows me down.

She has me cornered a couple times—I have to threaten Mr. Gordo's nose. She's so gullible. We end up back where we started, she drags me to the floor, and the tickling happens. Biotch.

I can't take it. "I give! I give! You're not old!"

"You swear?" She stops, looking down at me.

"Uh huh. Only middle-aged." I’m a little sister; I don't admit defeat _that_ easy.

She gasps. "You brat!"

"If I let you call me a kid, can it be a draw?" I'm hoping.

Shakes her head. What's she want? "You've actually been maturing lately—it’s sort of creepy."

"First I'm a brat, now I'm mature? Make up your mind."

"Mature people are very occasionally brat-like," she jokes.

"Ha ha." She's the funniest person on the planet. Not.

"And I think you got my best genes. Soon you'll be prettier than me," she grins.

I think that's a compliment. Isn't it? Hey! She's saying she's prettier than me now! Which is, okay, obviously true, but...she's not allowed to brag about it! I'm gonna say something.

But, o-oh. She's touching my face. Eep, mood change. I feel her breath on my mouth, and I can see her “deciding face”...then _she's_ kissing _me_. The ones before weren’t flukes for sure.

She must be ready. Maybe like me, she knows how everything could change tomorrow. I kiss her back, and it's like we're not separate people.

All I feel is...kinda warm, and-and...whoa.

Buffy seriously knows how to do that. I get that other sisters probably don't do this; there's just something between Buffy and me. I can't explain it, and I don't need to—I'm happy.

I start catching my breath when her forehead goes wrinkly.

"’Kay, that was...sorry." She gets off me.

I just sit up and pat the rug beside me. Once she's comfy, I lean against her, she puts her arm around my waist, and when the movie finishes, I remember we can't be normal. We’re too weird.

...So?


	3. Three

When the sisters went to Willow's and Tara's dorm the next morning, Willow was watching her girlfriend sleep and rewrapping the bandaged hand Glory crushed. Twitching and moaning, Tara struggled even at rest. It was heartbreaking.

Willow told them she’d dozed off around three after the sedatives kicked in. Tara would wake up soon, probably screaming. Buffy figured she and Dawn could get lunch and they could all eat together.

Now the four of them were sitting on the bed as Buffy handed out sandwiches. Giving Willow hers, she couldn't help but notice the blank stare on Tara's face.

An explanation hadn't presented itself yet, but Buffy was embracing her and Dawn’s expanded relationship like Tara had more or less suggested. That didn't mean she’d stopped trying to understand, though.

There had to be a reason that the only real, honest happiness she could experience lately, was with Dawn. Yesterday had been the most she'd laughed since before Joyce got sick. Hanging with her friends came easier if Dawn was around.

Her sister put the fight back into her. Even the sleep. Something Glory was denying Tara.

They would get her back. Tara deserved so much. A peaceful mind, to know how much Willow loved her, and endless thanks.

"Eggplant, that's me..." Buffy said, taking it out and then reaching for another. "Salami with," She looked at the sandwich, "ew, peanut butter? Dawn."

"Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what, half egg, half plant? ‘Cause that's just unnatural," retorted Dawn, taking her sandwich.

"What's Tara got?" Willow asked.

"Oh." Dawn picked up a sandwich. "I...got her tuna. Does she like...? Tara?"

Buffy stopped unpacking, seeing her sister take the wrapping off the sandwich and show Tara, who looked at Willow unsurely.

"Plastic and their six sisters. Six sick...sick sisters," Tara said, upset. "Willow?"

"It's okay. Let's just start slow today," said Willow, making sure she stayed calm. "Um, Buffy, could I have that?" She was handed a cup of applesauce and a plastic spoon. "Here you go." Carefully, she fed it to her girlfriend. "That's my girl."

Both Summerses looked at the scene sadly, and then at each other. They felt guilty; this shouldn't have happened. And Tara's words were a little uncomfortable.

"Can I help?" Dawn worked up the courage, wanting to be useful.

Willow nodded, and gave her the cup and spoon. Tara was wary, but accepted the food offered.

Buffy rubbed her sister's back as Willow looked at her. "What are you gonna need?"

"I don't know. They gave me a lot of stuff to...keep her calm," Willow answered, and then quieter, "They said I might have to restrain her at night. But...sometimes she's fine. She looks at me, and...she's fine."

Tara made an unhappy face.

"I'm sorry I couldn't—" Buffy started.

"It's okay. I can do this. I'm gonna take care of her. Even if she never..." Willow tapered off, and Dawn looked over, pausing in her feeding. "She's my girl."

Buffy turned her attention to Dawn, and started to play with a lock of brown hair. One person was her world now; the biggest thing keeping her here.

"I understand."

Her best friend needed Tara like she did Dawn.

"I know you do." Willow kissed Tara on the forehead and smiled. "Hear that, baby? You're my always.”

Suddenly the outside wall of the dorm smashed in. Dawn and Buffy jumped up, seeing the sunlight stream in around Glory, who stared at them from the other side of the window frame.

"I told you this wasn't over."

 

______

 

This isn't that bad. Really. I mean, all the Scoobies are here, we're in a bumpy RV that Spike's driving (he's wearing these way lame goggles)...it can't get any cooler than this. ‘Cause I can pretend we're on some wacky camping trip.

Like, you know, in those sitcoms? And-and there's always that one guy who tries to set up the tent, but it's funny ‘cause it goes totally wrong, and...there's not much to do.

Buffy...I could see how she is. She was so cool. Right before Glory got flown like, fifty miles, Buffy was all calm and said, "Truck." WHAM. It was pretty scary till then. We were running...well, Buffy was. I was being carried. B-but I can still run longer than old people.

Now we're on the lamb. Always wanted to say that. ‘Kay, I'm a little excited, but it’s only because I don’t wanna be terrified. I don't wanna die.

I can't leave Buffy here by herself. Not after Mom. I'm still her sister, and she needs me.

I head to the back and slide the door open—better peek first. Uh oh. She's sitting by the window and leaning against the wall, looking far away. That's never good.

Stupid destiny. She doesn't deserve this...but she does it. She slays the evil guys. I wonder how many people actually thank her when she saves them? I dunno, but it's time I did.

"Hey." I let her know I'm here. "I think Anya's gonna try to cook. Wanna come watch the tears and recriminations?" I joke. Or am I serious?

When it comes to Anya and anything, who knows? I can still make Xander happy. Better than she ever could. I just don't, because...’cause I choose not to. I'm letting her have him. But I could. If I wanted.

Buffy happy, that's what I want. If being around me gets her that way (plus the, um...kissing parts), then I’m gonna stick close by. It's not a difficult job. The one she got stuck with? That's the toughest job ever, _and_ there's no pay. How can babysitters make more money than superheroes? Doesn’t make cents.

Hee.

...‘Cause, with the wordplay?

"Maybe later." She smiles at me, but it's mostly fake.

This is usually when I leave her alone, but she needs to know. Changing my mind, I stay. I like being around her, too (and the kissing parts), so we both win.

"Thanks."

She meets my eyes. "For what?"

"You know," I give her a small smile, "pretty much everything."

She has her sarcastic face on. "Yeah. I'm doin' a great job."

"You are." Good going, Me.

That disbelieving sound you make with your breath? She just made it.

"I'm the Slayer. The Chosen One. All mythic and defender-y. Evil nasties are supposed to flee from me. Not the other way around," she tells me, disappointed in herself.

But she's keeping us alive. I like that; it was a smart thing to do.

"You're not fleeing, you're..." Uh. "Moving at a brisk pace." Bad going, Me.

"Quaintly referred to in some cultures as the big scaredy runaway."

Aww, darn it. She's gotta stop this. I go all the way inside, shut the door, and sit by her. "It's the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me." I mean that.

She looks away, but I saw her face.        

"It just keeps coming. Glory...Riley...Tara...Mom." Her voice is crackly from trying not to cry.

"I know.” I wait a second. “But there's a bright side."

"There is?" Her eyebrows go up a little.

"At least things can't get any crazier. Right?"

I sit on her leg, wait until she faces me, and then I smile. She gets...brighter, almost. Did I do that?

I lean in, and suddenly her lap’s more interesting than me. I know she still can't figure us out. I won't be pushy. I start to move, but she puts her hand on my arm and smiles back. About time.

When she does, that's the real Buffy—that's when you can see why anyone who knows her'll do anything for her.

She brushes my hair and tucks some of it behind my ear. Bet she wouldn't know what to do if I cut it.

"I don't think it gets much crazier than this," she says.

I, she’s...there’re kisses now. Little quick ones. I shut my eyes. I said I couldn’t explain it, and I can’t. I don’t know enough words. Even if I did, nobody would listen. And not just because I’m in ninth grade.

I miss her lips when they go away, but I smile at her again so she won't feel bad. Then I put my hands on her cheeks and kiss her forehead. Don’t care what anybody thinks, I like how we’re closer.

"Do you guys, uh, do th-that a lot?" Willow stutter-asks.

Willow?! Me and Buffy’s eyes are cartoon-wide. Oh man.

"Will..." Buffy tries first. I hafta remember how to talk.

"I-I didn't know that sisters...but I am an only child. I guess that's why I'm outta the loop on what they, yunno, do together. I just thought I was missing things like uh, sharing clothes, though." Our favorite redhead is chewing her lip, rocking back and forth, and her hands are hanging down in front of her, fingers fumbly. "I'm gonna go...back. Or, I am back, in-in the back, so, no, the front. Is um, where I’ll be. S-sorry for...barging."

"Willow, wait..." I say, stopping her from bolting.

I hop off of Buffy and jog over to her, hoping she doesn't zap me and give me hives for infinity. Guess she likes that dusty roof corner, ‘cause she doesn't see me.  

I'm almost glad when the spear crashes through the window.

 

______

 

The floor's cold. What happened? The knights, the crash, the gas station, Giles, Ben, Willow being all quiet...and then Ben's Glory and takes me here, away from Buffy. I'm gonna be responsible for Hells on Earth.

I heard that General guy—I'm an ancient, mysterious, majorly evil and full of wrath, thing. When he looked at me, I wasn't human. Even though he's right, Buffy still stood up for me. Am I really worth it? She's hurt. I can feel it. Please be okay.

"Leave. We need a little girl time." When I hear Glory’s voice, I get angry, but I don't look. "Goodbye!"

The minions scuffle, kinda. They’re super whipped.

I finally look at her, and glare. As hard as I can. I hate her. But if she didn't want me, I wouldn't exist, so...oh! And she's acting like she's stressed, rubbing her neck and all. _She's_ stressed?

"How do they do it?" she asks me.

I wanna ignore her, but she could snap any second. "Do what?"

"People!" She's coming closer. "How do they function here like this in the world with all this bile running through them? Every day it's whoo-oo," She does this dumb thing with her hand to go with the dumb noise, proving she’s psycho, "you have no control. They're not even animals; they're just these meatbaggy slaves to-to hormones and pheromones and their-and their feelings. Hate 'em!"

Uh huh. Got it.

She goes behind the table, which means she's not coming near me. Thank God. The good one—um, ones?

"I mean really," she rants some more. "Is this what the poets go on about, this?" She hits her chest, ya know, where her heart would be if she had one, shakes her head, and sighs. "Call me crazy, but as hardcore drugs go, human emotion is just useless! People are puppets! Everyone getting jerked around by what they're feelin'. Am I wrong? Really, I want to know." 

I dunno what to say, and next she's kneeling in front of me smiling, with her hands on my head. "Hey, you know what? Since I'm just gonna bleed you, I can take a quick look-see and find the answer for myself. Don’t mind, do you? Sanity really isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway."

"No, don't, I'll—"

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

Help!

I can still think? But I thought...? Oh god. Her fingers were...inside...like she was tearing...I didn't know how Tara felt before, but now I do and...I'm sorry, Tara. I just want this to be over...where's Glory?

I open my eyes, and then move my hands so I can see. I have to blink the water out. I can't find...there she is. She's at the other end of the room, massaging her head. There's a crack in the wall.

"Whew! That's some protection you got there, Dawnie. Now I know you'll fit in the lock for sure," she tells me. I'm crying still, and she rolls her eyes. "Oh cheer up—you get to keep your squishy brain, okay? Coulda been worse.

“You could be like those drooling flesh-sticks out there," She points, "building our special tower. So be grateful while you can, because you won't be hanging around much longer." She gets to her feet, and smiles at me again. "Know what I found out before your squishy brain decided to be rude?"

"What?" I ask. Can't she not talk for five minutes?

"How big of a perv you are!" She laughs. "Can't believe it. Is she that desperate? I thought being the Slayer meant she had standards," Glory's taunting me. "Ask me, she's just as screwy as the rest of 'em."

"Shut up," I say, harsh. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You don't know her a-at all. I do."

"Yeah, a little too well," she snorts. "What did those nasty monkies do to you two?"

Not talking.

"But see? This is what I'm getting at. I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of...and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Including your big sis.

"Who's not crazy? Look around. Everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up...shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out ‘cause they don't want 'em anymore. And this 'love' thing? They obviously look for it in all the wrong places, so what's the point?" That was for me.

" _I'm_ crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind." She sighs. "’Cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts. Once Buffy realizes that, this'll be a lot easier on her."

"She'll beat you." I want Glory to lose, and for the first time, I think Buffy'll come save me, and we'll win. "She will."

Glory frowns. "That's so brave." But then she's back to looking mean. "Grow up, kid."

Where are you, Buffy?


	4. Four

Buffy sat unresponsive in Xander and Anya's bedroom, trapped inside her own mind. The instant she ran from the gas station, seeing the carnage Glory left behind and that her sister was long gone, she understood everything. What Dawn being a part of her meant, why the kissing, and what her guide meant in the desert. What Tara tried to hint at.

Unfortunately it all caused her to retreat within, leaving Willow to attempt walking through her mind to bring her back out.

Willow trailed her through memory and abstract thoughts she couldn't put together. While watching Buffy smother Dawn with a bed pillow, she’d gasped as the girl's prone body transformed into her older sister’s, making two Buffys. The one on the mattress then came to life, saying death was her gift.

She had gone to the desert, seeing Buffy talk to the First Slayer, had watched Buffy and Dawn curled up together on their couch, had gone to the Magic Box to witness Buffy placing a book on a shelf, and had also gone to a house where a five-year-old Buffy met her newly born, baby sister.

These scenes kept replaying, and she was no closer to a solution.

Back at the house again, it was empty for the time being. Willow had a feeling that this was somehow related to what she'd caught the two sisters doing in the RV—her first thought? Buffy was confused, reaching out for an extra level of companionship because Riley was gone.

Both had been forced to confront so much lately, and that probably forced them to stick together, causing...not normal behavior. Siblings being “couple-y” wasn't normal. Wouldn’t it eventually be kind of traumatic? Buffy was in a coma, wasn't she?  

Was there something else? And did Dawn—?

"Hi, Willow," said Little Girl Buffy, coming out of nowhere.

What she saw gave her pause. The younger version was being held by the adult version she called a friend, whose face was painted like the First Slayer. Before Willow could say anything, their parents walked into the house, right up to them.

"Hi, girls," Hank Summers greeted them warmly.

Joyce Summers smiled at her smaller child. "Have you been playing nice with your big sister, Dawn?"

But that was...Huh?

"Buffy, what...?" Willow began to ask, and then found herself back in the Magic Box standing next to one Buffy, while another kept putting that book on that shelf. "Right here, it happened. I know it's something small, but...it's something. What?"

"Don't go there, Will," Buffy Number One advised her.

"I'm not! You're the one who keeps dragging me back here!" insisted Willow. "A-and you wouldn't be doing that if you weren't trying to show me something."

"Do I?" the second Buffy by the shelf, questioned.

"Buffy, come on. I-it's your brain—just tell me. What happened here?"

"This was when I quit, Will," revealed the one next to her.

"You did?" Willow's eyebrows scrunched.

"Just for a second," added Number Two.

"I remember. I was in the magick shop," Number One went on.

"I put a book back for Giles," Number Two continued.

"Nothing special about it. And then it hit me," Number One took over.

"What hit you?" Willow asked.

"I can't beat Glory," said Number Two.

"Glory's going to win," Number One re-enforced.

"You can't know that," Willow told them.

"I didn't just know it," Number Two turned to her.

"I felt it. Glory will beat me," Number One was positive.

"And in that second of knowing it, Will—" Number Two looked back at the shelf.

"—I wanted it to happen," admitted Number One. "I wanted it over. This is...all of this...it's too much for me."

"I just wanted it over," Number Two said.

"If Glory wins...Dawn dies. Then so would I," Number One told Willow, who stared at her oddly. "She's not just made from me, she is me. A part of me. The part who's still the girl you knew in high school—who can be happy. Who can love."

"The Monks," Number Two spoke. "They did it, and they probably had no clue."

"They didn't know they were using more than my blood to make Dawn real," Number One finished.

"When we’re together, when she kisses me, it's like I remember who I am. Like I find myself again,” said Number Two. “Without Dawn, I’m just—" 

"—the Slayer. And I need to be more. For her.”

"For us. But how could anyone accept it?”

"Can I?"

"You don't." They both looked at Willow, speaking in unison.

"It's better if it's over. Imagine what a relief it would be," Number One smiled. "So yeah—"

"—I killed Dawn in that second. I killed me," concluded Number Two.

Willow frowned. "'Cause you can't live without her. Literally." She breathed deep. "Okay, all the Dawn stuff? I get that it's important, but honestly? Don't exactly get the everything else. I could never not like you, though."

She paused, smiling lightly. "But this really has to wait, ‘cause I need you to snap out of it. Or else we're _all_ gonna die."

The now sole Buffy's forehead creased at this news.

 

______

 

Later, Buffy was in the Magic Box for real, and they were going over what Spike and Xander found. Willow had convinced her that neither she nor Dawn were dead yet, and that it didn't have to turn out that way. The culprit had been guilt, and she'd certainly been experiencing that a whole bunch.

Partly because of how kissing Dawn made her feel, but also, as her mind showed, because she’d known why it felt how it did. She had guilt about using her sister to try and be complete, even though there'd been no forcing.  

Of course, none of this mattered unless she could save her. And she would.

"Explain it again," she requested of her watcher.

"There's nothing new to—"

"Go through it again."

Tension was thick in the air as Giles removed his glasses. "The Key was...living energy. It needed to be channeled, poured into a specific place at a specific time. The energy...would flow into that spot, the walls between the dimensions break down. It stops, the energy's used up, the walls come back up. Glory uses that time to get back into her own dimension, not caring that all manner of Hell will be unleashed on Earth in the meantime."

"Um, but only for a little while, right? The walls come back up, uh, n-no more Hell?" Anya hopefully inquired.

"That's only if the energy is stopped. And now the key is human...is Dawn."

Willow looked at Buffy. She was the only one amongst the group who knew how vital her sister was to her.

Giles read from the book on the table at which he sat. "'The blood flows, the gates will open. The gates will close when it flows no more.' When Dawn is dead."

It didn't add up. Every bone in Buffy's body was screaming, "If Dawn dies, you die," and they didn't mean emotionally. Then Dawn dying to close the gates had to kill her in the process, so...did the world want her dead? Was Willow wrong? Was it time for a new slayer, and she had run her course?

"I have places to be!" Tara exclaimed from her chair, breaking everyone's train of thought.

They ignored her.

"Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be like a-a lymph ritual?" Xander wondered.

"’Cause it's always got to be blood," Spike explained.

"We're not actually discussing dinner right now."

"Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. ’Course it's her blood."

"Pretty simple math here," Buffy rationalized. "We stop Glory before she can start the ritual. We still have a couple of hours, right?"

"If my calculations are right," agreed Giles. "But Buffy—"

"I don't wanna hear it." She turned away.

"I understand that—"

She whirled back around. "No! No, you don't understand. We are not talking about this."

"Yes, we bloody well are!" He rose from his chair. It took a moment for the gang to recover, and then he composed himself. "If Glory begins the ritual...if we can't stop her..."

"Come on. Say it," she dared him. "We're bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister."

He whispered, "She's not your sister."

"No. She's not," came her concession. "She's more than that. She's me. The monks made her out of me. I hold her...and I feel closer to her than..." She looked down, sighing.

Willow's eyes were on her; she didn't want to say too much.

"It's not just the memories they built. It’s physical. More than. Dawn...is a part of me. The only part that I..."

Willow moved to stand next her, shooting Giles a glower. "We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?"

The best friends smiled at each other.

"If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death," Giles had to make this clear, "including Dawn."

"Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her," Buffy swore.

"You'll fail. You'll die. We all will." He turned from the table, and his slayer.

"I'm sorry," she told the people gathered in the store sincerely. "I love you all...but I'm sorry."

Dawn came first—before them, before herself.

 

______

I wanna laugh when Buffy pushes "Creepy Suit Guy" off the tower, but I've been chained up here for hours, and everywhere aches. There's lightning, it's windy...and I don't like being this high, or what Glory made me wear.

It's kinda like something princesses in fairytales would have, if it wasn't so ugly and cheap. I wouldn't care how cute the knight is, or that he rescued me from a fire-breathing dragon, or that we were gonna live happily ever after. If he wanted me to wear this dress for the wedding? I'd be out of there so fast.

Right back to Mr. Scaly. It might even talk like in that movie, so at least we could have conversations. And I'd never be cold in the winter.

I saw them all rush in. Buffy was back, and she started wiping the floor with everybody. I told Glory Buffy would do it. Betcha she wished she'd listened.

All I had to do was wait. Glory blabbed all about my blood opening the portal, but she was down, so nothing was gonna happen.

I started humming "Kung Fu Fighting" while Buffy smacked her down with the troll hammer—over and over and over. Then "Creepy Suit Guy" (with his creepy-long tongue) shows up outta nowhere and cuts me. Oww.

Spike tried to get him, but he fell. Hope he's okay. Buffy's getting me loose now. I look down at my feet. They're all bloody and, pretty gross.

"Buffy, it hurts,” I tell her, because oww.

"I got it. Come here. You're gonna be okay," she promises, helping me across the platform. Ooh, she's limping. Then I freeze. "Go!"

My feet are bloody. Blood. Dripping. No. When did it...? I can see the portal getting bigger. It's not fair!

"Buffy, it's started," I say, my voice breaking. She looks with me, and I know I have tears going down my face. I messed up. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter," she says.

I know what I hafta do. I won't let her down; I won't let the world go to Hell. I run past her.

Hey!

She's stopping me at the edge. "What are you doing?"

"I have to jump. The energy," I explain to her.

"It'll kill you. It'll kill me," she reveals.

"What do you mean?" There isn't time!

"You die, I die. If I..." She has a "cartoon light bulb" face. "If I jump, you live."

I shake my head. She can't... "Buffy, no," I say softly.

"Dawnie, I have to. You're so young. You can still have the kind of life I didn't get to. I want that for you."

"No!" I argue, and she grabs me below my shoulders and looks me in the eye.

This isn't right. I need her—doesn't she know that? I look around us. Demons are coming already. I'm scared.

"Listen to me. Please, Dawn. There's not a lot of time, listen. I love you. I will _always_ love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles...tell Giles I figured it out. And-and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong.

“Dawn, the hardest thing in this world...is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me."

I love you, too.

I wanna scream, wanna fight her...I wanna not say goodbye. But I'm just crying. And she's brushing her hand across my cheek.

She's gonna jump, and I can't do anything. Her lips brush against mine, and then she runs her fingers over my face, like I've seen blind people do. Like she's memorizing by feeling it. Makes me cry more, and I hug her waist.

She lays my head on her chest—I'm not the only teary one. For a second, I think maybe she won’t go, but she moves outta my arms and runs away, diving off as I yell her name. It looks so...graceful. I watch her fall.

When I get down, I’m not...I won’t look. I can’t. Not again.

 

...

 

...

 

Goodbye, Buffy.

 


	5. Epilogue

Ever wake up inside your own coffin?

Guess it's just me that's lucky.

I was dead almost five months...’til I wasn’t. Then Dawn was there, and it was better. Even with my post-heaven depression never going away.

Ten minutes ago, Dawn promised, “I’ve got your back,” before we sword-slayed Evil Willow’s dirt monsters from beyond the graves.

In an actual grave. (Not mine.)

She more than had my back; Dawn was amazing. Really, she has been, I just acted like I didn’t notice.

Pre-dying, I found out my little sister wasn’t always. She used to be mystical energy. The Key. Ancient one’n’only. It needed protecting from a hell-bitch, so these monks made it Dawn. Whatever the original goal was, that’s who she’ll be for the rest of her life. I can’t remember when she wasn’t my sister.

The monks created her from my blood. From my aura/energy/whatever-it’s- called. Parts got given to Dawn. Then—especially after Mom died—all those separated “Buffy” parts tried to get together again. Around Dawn, I’d feel...happier. She’d kiss me, and—

—and then _Kiss_ me. Denial meltdown. She was only fourteen and oh yeah, my _sister_. I knew this. That it was wrong. But it didn’t _feel_ wrong. To her either.

Eventually we couldn’t... _I_ couldn’t...avoid talking. Apocalypse season was right around the corner, Dawn thought she was gonna die, we'd just lost Mom...and we had this thing that made us happy. Decided we weren’t gonna fight it.

‘Til I jumped so Dawn didn't have to.

She hasn't mentioned anything since I came back. She's been too busy taking care of me. Making sure I leave bed, making sure I eat, making sure I sleep by sleeping next to me. The only times we aren’t glue-stuck is if she's at school, and I'm working. Dawn kept me from drowning.

Drowning and kissing don’t mix. It would’ve been different anyway.

Tara said dying pulled my aura back, all of it. None of it's in Dawn anymore. But the feeling...hasn't left. S’grown bigger. Like my taller-than-me "little" sister. I can't blame the monks or the magick.

It’s Dawn. After I fell apart on Tara’s lap, crying I was wrong (worse than last time), she helped me talk about it. Tara’s great at that. _Was_. She was great.

....I hate guns. _Hate_ them.

“Is that happy crying?” Dawn’s asking.

 

______

 

Dawn never expected, "Yes, dummy. Mostly yes. C'mere."

She tried not to hope. That sounded like the sister she remembered, that she'd been trying forever to draw out. Buffy's eyes even looked lighter. But she wasn’t hoping. Until Buffy's fingers ran through her hair, and Dawn happy cried too.

“Are...are you really back? I mean, really?”

“Think so,” Buffy answered again. “Everything you've done for me? Everything you could've said but didn't? You're _why_ I am. Why I tried,” she continued. “I'm so sorry, Dawn. Sorry for how I’ve been, sorry you gave up having a life...”

“I'm not,” refuted Dawn, finally hugging her. “You were hurting, Buffy. Seriously hurting! You didn’t wanna be who you are _,_ and got lost—sorta, felt familiar a little. Like I’d let my sister go through that alone? If she thought I would, _she’s_ the dummy...ass.”

Buffy smiled. “Just...thank you. Won’t stop hearing that for a while. Many multiple times a day. Things have really sucked lately, but it’s all gonna change.”

“It’s okay, Buffy,” Dawn comforted, rubbing her back.

“No, it hasn’t been, that’s the point.” Buffy pulled back to look at Dawn. “It’s gonna be, though. I see it.”

“See what?”

“You.”

Dawn wasn’t sure how to take that, but she felt shyly touched.

“Putting up with me—no kid should hafta handle that job. They couldn’t.” Buffy paused as her face broke out into another smile. “The woman you’re gonna turn into? Already lookin’ at her. And she’s gonna get even more beautiful. And powerful. Bet I fall even more in love with her.”

“...What did you say?”

 

______

 

“Stuff that’s all true.”

She heard me. Had to, because I heard me. I said it out loud.

From the minute she brought us home (the night Willow didn’t remember corpses get sealed in coffins), possibly ‘cause I wasn’t seeing much like I used to, I saw Dawn before I saw my sister, and a ball went rolling. Didn’t see _that_ ‘til Tara made me catch it later.

The way Dawn took charge—and made me look semi-human—I saw how strong she was. When she told off my friends, it was almost scary. If I wasn’t half-catatonic, I would’ve stopped her.

_She slapped Willow in the face_. Then kicked them all out. Everybody might’ve quit treating her like a kid after that.

She was so angry. Over them not telling her, over them leaving me buried...over Willow wanting a “thank you”. Dawn was suddenly ten birthdays older.

In the morning, I told her I thought I saw Mom—basically spilled about heaven. She more than proved she deserved to know; nothing was easy then, but trusting her was. Dawn didn’t let me go the rest of the day.

I sorta begged her not to. I’m supposed to do the protecting, and she protected me. It bugged, us changing, but I learned Dawn’s the type of person who wants to protect people. And who’s a hundred percent committed.

A couple months later, Sunnydale was singing in keys that didn’t exist— _bad_ _ones_ —and burning to death. I sang too. Everyone found out I’d been in heaven, and we kind of won. It was Xander’s fault.

We were all at Bronze, Spike included. When he left after, I followed him outside. That’s where Dawn saw us. Maybe I wanted her to, so she’d know I wasn’t worth helping.

The mountains of pressure on her wasn’t fair. Maybe she’d give up, go have friends and get the hell away from the house. From me. Didn’t work.

She dragged Spike down the alley, and was scarier than with Willow. How could he let anything happen when he knew what I was going through...he’d wake up on fire if he tried to make any moves...these were things she said.

There’s no way that didn’t help Spike leave town after what he...after what almost happened a few days ago. It better have. I mean, the same night he got yelled at? Dawn _still_ called him a friend.

" _I like Spike,”_ she told me _. “Maybe more than anybody. When you weren’t here, we hung out a lot and—he’s my friend. But, Buffy, he doesn’t know how to just be friends with you; so he gets creepy instead. You know he does._

_"Swear you won’t do that to yourself, okay? It isn’t the greatest idea in_ any _universe, and it’s just gonna hurt. Both of us. C’mon, let’s go back—song’s not over.”_

See what I mean? I became a good person _because of slaying_. I protect people _by slaying_. I’m strong when...running outta nails to hammer home.

That’s the difference between me and my sister—Dawn’s all those things minus superpowers. And that’s the night I was attracted for the first time. To the whole person Dawn is.

More months, the more attractive and young woman-y (in all senses). Oh, she’s still a big dork, and knows it, and she’ll tell these stories she swears are true that never stop—but she’s giggling thirty seconds in. My sister couldn’t sell time to a clock. It’s sad. Except I laugh every time. That should’ve been a clue.

I fell in love without knowing. Then I caught the ball, and today’s the day I don’t drop. Pretending it’ll just roll away hasn’t worked.

It’s weirdly complicated, _we’re_ weirdly complicated. Definitely won’t be the simplest of relationships to explain/hide, but when some days are harder, we’ll still be sisters. Wouldn’t let that change.

Tough as admitting was, if Dawn doesn’t want to at all, believe me, I’d understand. It _would_ be different than before. Which, good.

If I’m gonna break laws, then it’s not gonna be because some monks screwed up a spell. I’m in love with Dawn. I am.

...being the “Queen of Unconventionalness” was never a plan.

“Why?” Dawn’s questioning.

“Because you think putting peanut butter on every sandwich is a good idea.”

 “It is!” she swears. “You’re just a snob."

“I meant what I said,” I tell her, smirking. “Why finally? Because I’m a slayer, and you were a key who almost imploded every dimension ever. That’s our lives, and they aren’t turning more normal—whatever that even is. So, fine. Rather be happy in my life than constantly failing at somebody else’s. You make me happy, Dawnie.”

“Oh.”

Can’t exactly tell what she’s thinking.

 

______

 

Dawn knew seven things.

One, she knew this had nothing to do with an aura mix-up. Tara had looked at hers over the summer, and Buffy’s wasn’t anywhere to be found.

Two, she’d known since watching Buffy dive off Glory’s tower in her place, that she’d been in love with her big sister. Dawn never cared that it was weird. Not for long.

Three, she knew that last summer, a summer of cuddling with a Buffy Bot who looked dead when shut off, nearly shattered her.

Four, she knew the night Buffy came back had been the best and worst of her confusing life.

Five, she knew this wasn’t a dream, because when she slayed back-to-back with Buffy in her dreams, her body never hated her this much.

Six, she knew she’d been hoping all year for Buffy to be okay so this could hopefully happen. She just didn’t expect it to happen when Tara and Tara’s killer might not be the only people up there who’d move down here.

Seven, she knew this was a way better early sixteenth birthday present than a car.

“Then...then prove it.” The squeak in her voice didn’t sell the confidence she was going for.

“You sure? We could climb out away from the morbid,” offered Buffy.

“Uh, I think I’ve been traumatized by worse already. Finding Tara, standing there while you fell...the-the only other thing that might come close is having my soul sucked by dementors,” joked Dawn, weakly covering her own pain. “’Coffin’ on monster dust? Not gonna scar me. Besides, if we leave, we won’t feel very happy. Not if...”

Not if they were the only two Scoobies left. Just because the world was still here didn’t mean their screwed up, little family’s didn’t end.

“Dawn, hey...if you aren’t ready, or if you’ve been repressing for a year and I suck at reading sisterly non-signals, don’t worry. We can’t even afford retail therapy, but I’ll deal. Most important thing’s what you want. Or don’t,” Buffy quickly said. “Plus, we’d need to be insane-careful. ‘Nobody _ever_ finds out’ careful. Especially ‘til you’re eighteen.”

Dawn opened her mouth to speak.

Buffy noticed. “I know you know; only saying, pretty big risk to live with. Adding coupledom to the pile?  A real relationship? Changes just about everything _._ We wouldn’t be able to take it back. So if you—“

“No! I want this; _wanted_ this. All I thought about all summer was how we’d never see what it would be like,” Dawn’s words broke even as she laughed, “gettin’ extra super weird. Together...as, yeah, a couple.

“I missed you so much, and we’ll have each other’s backs, and I was in love way before you so, can you _please_ shut up?”  

Buffy frowned.

“Oops. And kiss me. Sorry, sis.”

Dawn soon learned that what she quaintly thought of as “kissing” absolutely was not. This made eight things she knew.

 

______

 

Guess it is me that’s lucky.

No one else’ll think so. No one else’ll want to. If we weren’t us...but we are. That’s all I care about.

Whatever’s waiting up top is probably dying to get in the way.

Still, the world survived—should show it to her. Sun’s shiny, we’re alive, and we’re doing this together. After the two years we’ve had to live through?

Whatever’s waiting can bite me.

Then I’ll slay it.


End file.
